Farrah did it
One day last summer, feeling particularly pudgy and sitting by the pool with a couple of women who were decidedly not, I decided it was at long last time to make the switch to one-piece swimsuits. It was not a happy moment. One-pieces are uncomfortable when it gets really hot, and finding a cute one is hard: They all either look too Swim Team, too Alexis Carrington-in-San-Tropez, or too Grandma-in-Aqua-Aerobics-class. And you can’t go halfway with boy shorts or 50s-style high-waist bottoms: they might give you stomach coverage, but at the price of really hideous thunder thighs.
So I ordered a fairly cute one from J Crew (the secret to happiness, I have found, is NEVER to enter a dressing room with a swimsuit; this is precisely the kind of transaction that online shopping was built for) and was happy enough. And a few weeks later, I was feeling kinder to myself, and was back in my bikini. But at this stage in the game there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with having options on those too-hideous-to-gaze-upon-one’s-torso days. So I’ve lined up some options. Some are cute, some sexy, some fashiony. But all are very just-as-hot-as-any-other-girl-on-the-beach, I think.
Employing ruching to camouflage figure flaws is the most obvious trick in the book, but it sure does work like a charm. And also seems quite organic to the retro glamourpuss feel of this particular J Crew suit. I also like how you get a touch of that fun skirty look, but with a flattering, higher cut on the thighs.
This DVF suit dips way down—and is therefore probably best suited to the flatter-chested among us—but the fact that the thighs are cut somewhat modestly balances things out and keeps it from transmitting too much of an I-own-a-Bedazzled-cellphone vibe.
Check out the happy Fiorucci-esque pattern on this one from Miu Miu . Doesn’t it look like something that would have been in Seventeen back in 1979? I actually halfway feel like I owned it, in fact.
Were I ever to spend $800 on a swimsuit, this is the $800 swimsuit I would buy. Because nobody knows their way around making a leopard print look less cheesy and more fashiony than Dolce and Gabbana.
Opening Ceremony has a swimwear line and it is both deeply cool and infinitely wearable. This model comes in a few patterns, but the red just feels so thoroughly happy and right.
You say bedazzled cell phone like it’s a BAD thing…
Seriously though – I feel your pain on the one piece. Last year was my first time in a bathing suit IN PUBLIC after having my kids, and I had to subject myself and everyone around me to THE TANKINI. NOOOOOOO!!!!! One year and a tummy tuck later, and damn if I’m not going to wear a bikini again this year. Red, too. I’m not ashamed to admit I picked it specifically because it reminded me of Phoebe Cates’ suit in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Dammit, I paid a lot of money to get my stomach back in shape, and I’m going to wear a frigging bikini.
Howevs, if I WERE to do a one piece again, it’d be that DVF. And my bedazzled cell phone. HOLLA!
merci,
Shannan
P.S.
SO glad I found your blog recently.
Hilarious! I had to refrain from addressing the tankini for fear of appearing too judgmental, but I really do feel like it is best left to the 13-and-under set. Still: quite comfortable, I know. And I LOVE Phoebe Cates in that red bikini (as does just about any guy born before 1970; seriously, just ask).
I love that first blue one. It looks very grown up and sophisticated. I’ve worn one-piece suits for several years now just because I look (and feel) better in them. I hate shopping for them so much that I’ve worn the same suit for the last three years so I think I might buy a new one this year. Thanks for the suggestions.
I have a cut-low-in-the-front number and I’m happy to report it’s pretty flattering to the girl-of-a-certain-age thing I have going on. I love the leopard one, too!
Well said. Nice choices, you have great taste. I’m seriously considering the first one by JCrew. It’s perfect for girls of a certain age. The leopard is great too, unfortunately too pricey for most of us – the wear to cost ratio doesn’t work.
Two years ago late in the season, the only halfway decent one-piece I could find was a frumpy black one from Old Navy. I tried to justify it by thinking the black would slim me down. But the ill fit did not.
This year I’m taking a proactive approach and finding a bathing suit before the season actually starts. Anthropology has some cute ones I’m considering.
But if I did have $800 to spend on a bathing suit, I’d go with that Dolce and Gabbana one too. Meow.
These are all super cute, but for the boobier (that’s me), try Figleaves.com. You can order by bra size. No, I don’t work there.
These look great. I also think board shorts can look good if they’re cut right. Come to think of it, fitted knit ones might potentially work, but I bet no one makes them.
Anyhoo, maybe this year I will actually go swimming. Life is short.